Back to the Rewind…

      That time of my life seems as it went by like a whirlwind, very quickly and leaving deep scars.  I remember only focused moments, most likely because everything that was in-between was sopped with tears.  We went to the Bluffton ER and met a very nice doctor directly after my positive test.  He was the kind that was careful about what to say and how to say it; because of some compassion he still carried.  He examined me and drew my blood determining that I was indeed pregnant and that I should go home and rest. I remember green sherbert and watching a movie with my husband that night all snuggled in my bed.  I was full of worry and not at ease in the slightest, but there was something facinating about having life inside of me at that moment that encouraged me.  I believe in life at conception and knew that God hand-picked a living soul for me to hide away in myself for safe keeping.  I learned over the years to live in, “the moment,” and not look ahead too far.  If I had slightly took my eyes off of that snugglie moment, I may have missed my little baby all together.  
   The next morning I woke with blood covering our bedding, we rushed again to the hospital unaware that there was nothing that you can do…I assumed the doctor would just fix it.  As we waited in the ER I felt normal, I thought if I laid very still everything would be fine.  My blood was drawn again to see if my levels were rising or deflating…during the wait I was told to empty my bladder.  As I stood up off the papered table I felt a rush of warmth.  This, “moment,” is a fast vivid memory to me, I looked down as if in slow motion.  I saw my husband ripping paper towels off the wall & cleaning the blood frantically in a attempt to preserve my dignity.  He so badly wanted to “fix it” for me, but neither one of us could control anything.  The cleaning was more like smearing and was creating an even bigger mess.  The doctor interrupted this scene by surprise and calmly walked me back to the table.  I lay looking at the ceiling saying aloud, “please Lord….please Lord…” My results were in conjuction with what my body was saying.  Our baby died. 
   Never as a little girl do you think that maybe you will grow up to have babies die in your belly or that you would have to do anything other then make love to your husband to grow your family.  After the grief, we became hopeful in becoming pregnant again.  I decided to start taking prenatals and folic acid so that my body would be ready.   I started getting very interested in how the body works in all detail, and remembering that we have an awesome Creator I began to take my requests to God more and more.  It was a struggle to keep God in priority over my desire for a baby.  That would soon become the crook in my side that never goes away, something I constantly have to work through.  God was so gracious to me as always, he gave me a dear child that is waiting for me in the heavens and gave me the desire to keep pressing through.  He has given me the confidence to tell my story in hopes that you will feel connected to your own tragedies, and be brought close to our only true comforter.
   Soon, we found out we were pregnant again.  Because we thought the first one was a fluke, considering its not uncommon for people to have early prenancy loss, we did nothing different…and anticipated good results.  Doc called with my 2nd blood draw, “Im sorry, your levels went down, you will pass the baby in the next few days.”  This, “moment,” didnt consist of good movies and sherbert, I just laid still in silence and waited.

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Day 1…Rewind to the past

   We started our “wanna baby” voyage back in 1998.  I was just dating my husband at the time but news was that we were gonna be married 🙂  After having delivering a healthy son previously to knowing my dear Chad, I was certain that when he & I were ready to “try” we would have no problems at success.  In Sept of 2000 we married and were a small family, with our son Tanner only 5 yrs old, I badly wanted to add another child.  I yearned for Tanner to have a sibling and so the journey began.
   I have tried nearly everything on the market for fertility health…vitamins, herbs, medicines, techniques, procedures, and prayer.  There isnt much that I havent researched or experimented with myself.  Our hopes of having a baby quickly soon turned into years and years of struggle, so I meet you as a mature women of all the “tricks in the book” and Im very aware that a wife’s desire to becoming “with child” can easily turn into a heartache game.
   This game is one that can be played with many supporters rooting you on or in a private setting, such as the bathroom toilet with hidden stashes of pregnancy tests behind the shampoo bottle in the cabinet.  Its a mental nightmare to those who have been trying and trying.  Every month is a death, the death of a dream & a imagined fantasy.  Month after month I would bargain to God that this was the “perfect” month.  Due to some birthday or family celebration, this would make the perfect story…and so thats where my prayers would become intense begging.  I would plead with God for a “story,” with perfect timing and the perfect time according to me…was always NOW!  I am so thankful that God has pity on our poor spirits in those times and gently comforts us when that private place is full of tests with only one pink line.
   Our first baby after Tanner was in May of 2001, one yr after marriage.  I had been bleeding for 2 weeks which wasent that shocking considering my cycles were never regular or even somewhat normal.  I spoke with a friend on the phone who convinced me to take a test since she was so certain that I must be pregnant.  She indeed was right and although I was so excited, I called my husband home from work to rush to the ER.  My gut was telling me that something was not right and that our first night being a new mommy and daddy may not last til morning….

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