Refreshed, Revived, yet stinking Tired!

  The last few 8 weeks have been an incredible madness in itself.  We lost our baby on Sept 1, a week later was back in our Dr office for a checkup.  I was totally offended by the flaky comment the Dr made as we entered for our post-op inspection, “Are you ready to come back?  O, by the way, you don’t have another ectopic pregnancy in there do you???”  He actually laughed when he displayed his sarcastic humor.  I wasn’t impressed.  We have since left him as you may have guessed…and so our journey continues. 

  We went through tons of God time, God “shifts”  (where our way of thinking gets stretched and tested) and God discipline.  It was as though he took us to a new plane of faith, trust, and belief.  He breathed life back into us and set us up strong.  He reminded us of His promises for our future, and showed us Him all around, making it hard to even slightly deny His workings in all of this.  He did the ol R&R on us…refresh and revive!
Boy life is so much better when you have the Lord!!

  Today I sit here very tired as I look back on everything that has happened.  It seems as though it was years ago when Thaddy left us. Tonight as I saw it had only been 2 months it explained why it still hurts so badly.  We drove home from town this afternoon and I felt the rush of great sadness.  I remembered that since I “almost” was 15 weeks pregnant today that I surely would be feeling Thaddy move around inside of me.   My heart longs for what I have lost but is steadfast in claiming the gifts soon to come.

  Logan, my bestie, and I are pursuing the same path…same Dr., same lab, same procedure, on the same day!!  I surely am exhausted with all our happening but am estactic to say the least for whats next! I cant wait to tell you what we are up to 🙂

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The Last of the Rewinds

This is my last entry of focusing on the past.  There are many things that have happened in between posts that I may share later but hopefully today we will be up to speed and ready to talk about where God has brought me and where He continues to lead me.  I have put off posting for a few days trying to bear my teeth back into this newest pain, and it’s been hard focusing.  I have found that sometimes when things sting your heart it seems natural to get to a place of, “feeling nothing.”  I have trained myself to not think about hard things for a majority of the time & to make myself, “go back,” is nothing less than hard.
 
  When tragedy happens the whole world tends to know for the first few days or weeks, but after that they move on and your pain becomes what it was all along…yours.  You continue to move through, cast aside, and sometimes attack head on the things that are hurting you.  It’s no longer fresh for others; it becomes private and genuinely yours.  After learning to claim it and sign your name to it, you begin to heal and can again share it with others.  That is where I step into as I open my heart to you.  I take you back to the beginning of this year, just a few short months ago.
 
   Ilana is now 5 yrs old, soon to be 6.  Tanner is 17, and making plans for his future.  Chad & I continue making a life for ourselves and our children, serving God and pursing knowing Him more, and also pray continually about enlarging our family still.  Our last miscarriage was in 04, 7 months before we brought home our sweet daughter from Milwaukee.  It has now been almost 6 years….and no pregnancy.  We had started seeing a new doctor in Ft Wayne who equipped us to use the Creighton Model Method of family planning, we were sure that this was working for us.  After being with his clinic about 1 1/2 yrs and trying his protocol, we were stuck again feeling defeated.
 
Up to this point we had been diagnosed with the following:
*Recurrent Miscarriage Loss…sometime called a Habitual Abortifact
*Luteul phase defect syndrome
*Progesterone defienciency
*PCOS
*Annovulatory cycles
*Insulin Resistance
*Secondary infertility
 
We had done the following…
*Creighton Model Method
*Basel Method Charting
*South Beach Diet for insulin/sugar control
*Prometrium (now taken 3 days after ovulation instead of when I had a positive pregnancy test)
*Natural Family Planning
*Taken…metformin, naltroxon, vitex chastetree.., tons of herbs, vitamins, & minerals
Selenium, prometrium, hormonal crème, fertility blend, and many more
*Instead cups (to hold the sperm to the cervix after intercourse)
*Clomid (10 rounds)
*HSG testing of uterus & tubes
*Genetic testing
*Auto immune testing along with too many labs to name 
 
I can make a list just as lengthy of the doctors we had seen as well… It had been a long journey.
 
  My current doctor wanted to continue using clomid to stimulate my ovaries; I felt that because I had already overused clomid according to FDA standards, I wanted to move in a new direction.  We decided after doing research that gonadatrophins with IUI may be in fact what I needed to have a baby.  Our doctor didn’t feel comfortable advising me with them because of the slight risk of hyper stimulation of the ovaries, so we went elsewhere.
 
  This is where I need to introduce my very good friend, Logan.  There are many people that have come alongside me in this process for different reasons but Logan came along at a time in her life where our struggles were very similar.  She has been facing infertility for 6 years & can relate to me in a very private way.  We met at a spa party where I was consultant.  I had started a new part time job to keep myself busy.  She was in a room of nearly 20 women and she stood out to me in a way that makes you feel you should just get to know her.  She radiates a joy to everyone she’s around…it just comes natural to her.  I can be a serious natured person & Logan just simply smiles about everything.  She is an asset to me that is rarely found.
  We became quick friends.  We worked together, worshipped together at bible study, and sought out what Gods next step was for us…together.  She became a close confidant to me about my internal struggles and hopes for the future.  We were placed in a bonded friendship for such a time as this.
  Logan, “Lo,” always spoke highly of her Doctor in Ft Wayne, so when Chad and I were on the search of a new approach, we decided to try the same place.  We loved the Dr. the first day we met him, we felt it was in the “plan” for us to be in his care.  Our first round of gonadatrophins started right away.  I was used to taking oral meds but not the injections.  Chad had once years ago tried to give me a HCG trigger shot and after much anticipation he stuck me in the belly then out of shock, pulled it out without even administering the meds….He’s an Indiana farm boy, he can deliver a cow and give shots with needles a arms length long but no way was I asking him to help me.  I learned quickly to “girl” up and give my own shots.
  The fear went away and soon I was a pro.  I took shots everyday for a week and then found out we had way to many eggs ready for ovulation and because my estridiol was so high, we cancelled the cycle due to fear of having 4 or more babies.  We were not allowed to do the IUI so out of rebellion Chad and I, “baby danced,” a lot that week.  We figured, why not!  Maybe it was foolish but in any case we didn’t conceive and was on to the next cycle, toning down my meds a bit I would be sure to respond great.  Our second round was good, everything looked great.  We did the IUI and had a 2 week excruciating wait to find out if it worked.
 August 10, my 35th birthday and the day I was to take a beta serum HCG draw.  I never like taking a normal urine test; I could always convince myself of a faint line.  I have a running lab draw that I can just go get at anytime…it’s like having a tab at the bar but not so glamorous.  The mental game of the treacherous 2 wk wait is so tough so we decided we would leave for my birthday and go north to Jellystone Water Park.  The kids could play n swim, Chad could go down the towering water slide, and I could wait for my call back from the lab with results.  At least if it was going to be a “bad” day we could find something to do to keep my mind off things.  We had decided that this was our last attempt so whatever the result, we were done spending the money & felt effortless to try again for a while.
   I got the call from the office while hundreds of people were all around me.   It was so hard to hear so I left my family and wandered away to another area full of strangers hoping to hear better.  The nurse small-talked with me for a moment and then said, “Well, it looks good, your levels are a 62,” I couldn’t even think.  It had been so long since we had heard this foreign language.  I kept saying….”what,” over and over.  She said, “Yes, you are pregnant, I know it’s hard to believe but you are, congratulations.”  I started jumping up and down thanking her.  I ran to Chad and the kids and in front of crowds of people I fell to my knees and took a moment to praise the Lord for His kindness.  I kissed my husband & had to tell him several times for him to believe me.  Tanner started praying and thanked God as well, he texted all his friends that had been praying for us that day.  Ilana started telling a lady in the pool that her mom was going to have, “brothers and sisters.”  I took a walk and called Logan, I knew that she may be sad for her own fulfillment was not yet here, but I knew she would rejoice with me.  Within a few moments all our friends and family knew…why keep it a secret, I had new life within me.  It was amazing, my birthday from Jesus was all I had ever wanted, I felt like his sweetheart!
   2 days later I had another HCG level drawn and it was again rising, everything was fantastic!!  Chad was so sure that this was, “it,” it finally was here.  We knew that our hope was not in vain, we knew the promise that we have in our hearts from God, and we knew that He would bless us not only with a child but with a strong testimony of His great Love!   Several weeks past by and I couldn’t help but be cautious.  I was so used to things dissolving that every day I would wait to start spotting or cramping.  Each trip to the toilet was a total shock for everything was perfect!  Chad was beside himself with joy, the kids & he would give me these little looks of happiness, as if to sing to me, “you’re really pregnant.” 
  We took a 7 wk belly photo knowing that it looked just as I did months before conception but we knew that our baby was snug inside, and that made it so fun.   The next day, Sept 1st we ran to Ft Wayne to do our 7 wk ultrasound.  I have longed for years for Chad to hear the baby’s heartbeat & to experience the miracle of God in this fashion, that I was so excited for him.  We took our camcorder to record our moment to share with friends & family…and probably all of facebook when we got home. 
  We went into the ultrasound room and started the procedure.  As the nurse scanned my belly I saw a slight image of the baby but noticed they scanned right by it.  I felt relief that I had seen it and waited for them to come back so we could take a closer look.  They continued to focus in a different area & then both the nurse & Doc let out a big sigh while asking me if I had any pain…Chad shut off the camcorder.  I felt great, no pain, no cramping, nothing…what could possibly be the problem?  Our sweet baby was fine, growing & thriving.  137 tiny heartbeats a minute were singing to me in the background.  Our baby was normal but living quietly in my left fallopian tube.
  This was such a nightmare, how could this be?  We finally get to a place where we are having a normal pregnancy, all my labs were good, progesterone was stable, not funky… nothing…just a classic pregnancy and now the big reveal left us with this!  We were shocked, the Dr shut the screen off  quickly & directed us to have a 2nd image done at another center but made it clear that he was 100% sure we would be traveling to Indy tonight to terminate our pregnancy. 
  Our 2nd ultrasound confirmed the diagnosis.  Our sympathetic nurse allowed us to see our baby & spend time marveling at, “his,” form.   Once Chad heard the heartbeat & saw the circulatory system working marvelously throughout our baby, he was overfilled with joy.  He ran to the van to retrieve the camcorder to record his 1st & last image of what we feel was our son.  We were allowed to lay eyes on our most treasured gift, my birthday present.
  The drive to Indy was horrific.  Screams, wailing, cries of deliverance was being magnified down the highway as we drove to our dreaded destination.  We tried to bargain with the Dr to give us a day to soak up what was going on with no avail.  I begged mercy from the Lord and forgiveness towards our baby.  I spoke aloud to him telling his the tales of the world, trying to fit in a lifetime of praise & love within a 2 hr drive.  Ilana loves for me to sing a certain Randy Travis song to her every night…saying “my love is deeper then the holler, stronger then the river, higher than the pine trees growing tall up on the hill…”  I sang to our son along our drive the same lyrics to show expression that I claim him as my child.  I was so hard, I tried my best to protect him and now I had to let him die.  I felt as though it was a sick joke, I knew the enemy would have me curse God and not trust. 
   We asked others to pray with us in agreement for a miracle to take place.  Our desperation were probably the most beautiful thing for God to hear, we drew so close to Him.  I regret not being that close to our sweet Lord on any given day.  Only in times of hardness & trial do I really long for His shelter in a way I believe He honors.  I felt as I was an infertile women who was miraculously pregnant heading for an abortion.
  The hospital was aware I was coming.  Our Dr had met us there and before I could assess my surroundings they had an IV started and reading me legal documents.  They brought before me a paper of surrender to sign, stating that I indeed was giving them permission to terminate my pregnancy.  I asked the Lord to spare me from this, I felt as I was blood signing the death of someone I loved dearly.  I understood the fear of having an ectopic pregnancy and the risk for the mother.  I knew that the baby had a 0% chance of survival but I did not want my name on the certificate of death.  I wanted to continue to breathe life into my child until the moment the Lord decided was time of departure.  I started to pray that they baby would die before the procedure.  It was a difficult request to make. I wanted to spare the Dr & myself from having blood on our hands.
  Poor Chad…he felt so helpless.  Everything was happening so quickly.  He was alone, and frightened for all of us.  He so badly wanted to rescue me.
They took me to surgery, as I looked at their faces and knew soon I would be asleep, I said aloud over and over till I remember no more….”Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord.  I hoped with all my heart that if something should happen to me, His name would be the last on my lips and if I should be restored then at least He would be praised through my pain.  I awoke with a great sadness, my son didn’t survive.  The sweet beating of his heart was stilled and the silence inside of me was great.  I was no longer 2 souls traveling in one body but a single beat with an empty womb once again.  Numbness fell over our household, sweet Ilana never knew babies die…I hated her learning that so early.  We all prayed & wept; our only hope was in the Lord.  He is the only one who had the power to sustain us.
  Years ago I was staring out the window of my living room and I saw a blackbird fluttering with all of its might in one spot, much like a hummingbird would.  I thought it was so strange and continued to watch…after a short moment I saw it fall from the sky into death.  Never in my life had an ever saw a bird die naturally like that, but I knew that everyone of them that drops from life, God sees.  Even though I’ll never share my baby with my loved one and marvel at his dimples or chubby legs, I am so grateful that the Lord laid eyes on my precious one and made sure that He saw.  He sees.  He sees me.
  My surgery left me empty and also took my left fallopian tube as well.  I now remained in a hopeless state of wondering why.  I have since worked through so much grief, have increased my faith in the Lord, and am ready to rely again on the hope that God offers his broken.  I know my child was not here in vain, the story is that we survive through God only.  My body was incredibly sore, I could hardly walk and to talk about what I really was feeling was extremely hard.  We had deep sorrow, and rightfully so.  Our emotions were random & deep, we bawled especially at night when no one was around & the kids couldn’t hear.  We were in private agony but our private personal friend Jesus was abounding in His love for us…He was everywhere. 
  The Lord brought us so much comfort.  He led dear friends of ours to meet us at the hospital and drive us home, something we didn’t even know we needed.  He had others bring us tons and tons of meals and people were praying heartbroken prayers for us.  My sweet mother & sister were here to minister to us when we arrived home.  We were amazed at the amount of support we had when we came home.  His love could be felt through other people so freely.  I know that the Lord allowed such a thing for me to comfort someone who may read this today.  Someone needs to know that the Lord is good ALL OF THE TIME.  He loves us so.
  We named our son Thaddeus, a name Chad always liked, for I feel this was his special boy.  Thaddy  (my lil nickname) is flesh of my flesh.  I daydream of him of what he must look like as a new person with Christ.  I long for the day to hold my babies and introduce them to our family.  God is so good to create such a moment as that for me.  I am still His sweetheart, my birthday present is more alive then ever, and the story He gives me is still typing itself out.  I encourage you to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, and strength.
Thank you for reading my heart of hearts.

    

 

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Rewind Part 4

Your probably wondering if my “rewind” posts are ever going to end.  Hopefully, I can quickly get you up to speed so we can start chatting about the future & what amazing things it holds.  For now, we are back to our story.


Once upon a time in Guatemala…. The trip there was painful but theraputic.  It was as if I could pretend to be cast away from the world we had left behind.  Everyone on the trip was aware of what was going on but didnt make it a focal point and would comfort us gently.  The gush of discharge and tissue from time to time was an awful reminder that I wasent just some foreign visitor coming to help a poverished land, I was a grieving mother who was trying to escape her worst nightmare.


Our families theme of going to Guatemala was to serve at the House of Hope orphanage in Zacapa.  What a beautiful place to be, it was almost as a fantasy.  The country, as poor as it is, was full of life & vigor.   People were so ready to be loved and share love.  The children were amazing and I instantly fell in love with a young girl named Vilma.  One day I hope to find her on facebook or through some outstanding technology that will once again bring us face to face.


The House of Hope had a house that they were almost done building called “house #5,” it was our process to see if this home was where God was leading us for our future.  Maybe we were not to carry a child at all (I never have felt that by the way) and maybe it was our plan to move here and make a life.  We were open to everything at that point.  Guatemala holds so many pivitol moments for me that I will wait to write about that at a later date. The one thing I want to share is that we left that country deciding that we were no longer going to put God in a box.  Back at home we were still on the adoption journey as well.  We were on a waiting list for that perfect blue eyed caucasion girl who would possibly blend with our family well by worldy standards.  We immedietly came home and lifted our restrictions on who we would adopt and let God work.  We figured if we were to adopt then we should stop acting as though we knew what was best for our family & trust that God had a plan for us.


6 months later we received a phone call from a lady that would introduce us to our sweet baby’s momma.  Remembering all the failed adoptions and calls we had in the past we were very cautious about getting excited.  I said in an earlier post though, it dosent take long to fall in love with a child, it could be a week, a day, a few minutes.  In our case it was a matter of a moment.  The lady that was facilitating the adoption placed me and the baby’s mom on a 3 way call together, I was extrememly nervous and literally wanted to beg from the other line in hopes that this could be the real thing.  “Trina” was so very sweet, her voice comforted me so much when I felt as I should be comforting her.  I could tell that she was adamant about finding the right family for her daughter and I was nothing more then a blubbering idiot.


Trina asked me something like, “how would you love my daughter,” and I said things like, “o my, I just will, I promise I will, I will love her so much.”  I said nothing educated or even rational.  I talked very quickly and in my heart was just pleading for her approval.  She told me later that she knew I was nervous and because of that she knew that I was sincere.  God bless her big heart… she gave her life and gave me a daughter.


On Dec 9, 2004 Ilana Myah was born.  Her mother let us name her and we gave her the 1st night in the hospital with her baby alone.  We arrived the 2nd morning and met Trina with a big hug and lots of tears.  Never have a met a more humble selfless person who has great love for her children. 


Before our trip I had set my eyes on what I thought our family should look like.  When Ilana was born the Lord gave me a healthy stunning little black daughter.  O, how I love her!  By us putting God in a box, it almost made us miss the most precious girl I have ever laid eyes upon.  We walked into the nursery and while washing our hands I heard the nurse ask for the baby.  There was so many children in the room, so we peaked over our shoulders trying to get a first glance at her.  Like a blur they rolled her by us and it was so hard to see…our hearts were beating out of our chests.  I could not believe that this was it…she was here, she was really here! 


We were moved to a private room where she lay waiting for us.  We walked in slowly as if we had never been in the presence of a baby before.  When I lay my eyes on her tiny form, my jaw dropped.  I had never seen anything so delicate, so valuable.  She was a gift that I never could afford. I remember saying aloud…”stunning, she is stunning.”  We were in awe.  She came home with us at 4 days old and has never known another mommy or daddy.  She certainly knows that mommy’s special friend Trina carried her in her belly for me, while mommy carried her in her heart and waited.  She is an answer to many prayers and a deliverance from the restrictions the world offered me.  Our family looks just as it should, she was the missing piece and brings us so much joy.  We continue our relationship with Trina, its a priceless sisterhood that many adoptive families never get to experience.  Our intertwined lives have to be so beautiful to the Lord


Ilana and Tanner, although so far apart in age are by far very close siblings.  Tanner has adored her since the first moment.  She was created to be his sister and him…her big brother.  I saw Tanner grow up without any siblings and everyday I wished that he had someone to share life with in that way.  When Ilana turned 2 and then 3, we were still continuing to try to conceive.  We have always felt strongly that we would carry a baby.  I have asked the Lord for years and years to take this desire away….allow me to settle and be satisfied.  I have never had relief from it.  Many have said things to me over the years, making asumptions that because I still pursue pregnancy that I must not be happy with what I have.  The things people say can sometimes spin my head off axis…The truth is, that my desire is not of me. Personally, Id rather not have it constantly trying to consume me.  I do love my kids, and are grateful for them in a way that many mothers that have not had infertility or pregnancy loss issues never get to experience.  I dont take how they got to be with me for granted by any means.  My relationship with the Lord has put me on this journey, He has chose this for me and I have decided in the last few years to embrace it.


My travels continue and as we close the gap to the past we come up to a very present pain.  I share this with you while it is still fresh and raw.  My next blog will start on August 10, 2010…my 35th birthday.  The day I found out we were expecting!!


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Rewind Part 3

   That was the beginning of our 2nd miscarriage…babies #3, 4, & 5 followed shortly after.  Within 2 years we had lost a total of 5 sweethearts.  I was on a mission to find out what was enabling us to carry forward.  I was grieving terribly and quite honestly alone.  Most people show empathy after your 1st and 2nd loss, but when it exceeds that, they tend to lose the ability to comfort you.  Its as though you have a disease and for some reason they think that if they talk to you that your head will spin off and you’ll throw out crazy farts or something.  Ive never understood this.  I would love to just take a moment to educate people on what to say and what not to say in times like that, so that you can defeat any awkwardness you think it going to happen.

   First off, never ever ever tell a women that God must have needed her baby or that what happened to her must have been mother natures way of saying something is wrong.  Both of those phrases are incredibly hurtful and idiotic.  God dosent need babies…God dosent need.  He is God!  God is not punishing us or using selfishness to crush the very desires He has given me.  He is my friend and when people would say things of that nature it is assuming that Gods loyalty is not in our friendship.  Also, mother nature…wow.  I first of all dont know who that is, and secondly all it does when this is said, is tell the grieving mother that something was not right with her baby.  Thats like saying, “its ok, your baby must of been deformed and had to be rejected.”  What an awful thing to say.

  I know most people just dont know the right words and so I always had grace for them.  I never once got defensive about any comment of the sort, but in my private time I would be so angry at the ignorance of them not being able to just hug me….without saying anything.  Why do they think they need to say anything at all?  Just be my friend.  When Job in the bible lost everything, his friends came rapidly to his side.  They tore their clothes and grieved with him saying nothing for several days.  It is only when they opened their mouths and began to speak, that they assuptions came and they did just as much damage as the pain that Job was already encountering.

   The best thing to say when a friend has any kind of loss is a simple, “I’m sorry.”  You cant go wrong with this.  Its the truth, you really are sorry.  You dont have much more to offen then that.  I tell you from experience that the most powerful thing you can do when a friend is hurting is show up!  She/he will remember for the rest of their lives who was there and who wasent.  That I know for sure.

   I posted an article on facebook’s FAITH N FERTILITY JOURNEYS site that talks about the 10 things you dont say to a person who has had a miscarriage.  Please check it out so that you dont accidently hurt someone you love.

   In 2004, we started looking into adoption.  From December 03 to April we had 5 failed adoptions.  These were just as hard as losing our womb babies.  Each time we had our hopes up, they would fail us.  Its amazing to me how short of a period of time it takes to fall in love with the idea of a child.  We had a mother who sent us ultrasound picturs in 3D along with sounds of the heartbeat.  The babies mother resembled me in such a bizarre way.  She had the same frame and hair/eye color.  Her smile was very similar as well.  I knew she was carrying a baby girl, and had such hopes that we would look somewhat alike also.  We talked day and night over the internet and phone.  I fell in love with her and wanted to meet her in person badly.  We were saddened to receive a email one day saying that this girl was indeed scamming 2 other families for money and items.  I was devestated, it shocked me to know that there was such a thing happening.  It was a mockery to our pain and the pain of many families who were despertly wanting to share their homes with a baby.

   In April we discovered we were pregnant again.  This is our 6 little one.  At this point we had assumed that my problem was poor progesterone support in the luteul phase of my cycle.  We were told with the last 2 babies that if I took progesterone suppositories when I found out I was pregnant, that it would support my pregnancy and everything would be ok.  So we did just that and things seemed to be going well.  I was 7 weeks pregnant and wanted badly to do an ultrasound.  My doctor urged me to wait a few more weeks.  I went to the accupunctuist to try to relax, ate tons of herbs…red raspberry, wild yam/chastetree, vitamins, and fertility blend.  Everything was fine…until we again received a call from the doctor saying my levels were declining.  I raced home to lay flat but my attempts didnt help and my loss started that night.  Our baby died on the same day as our very first miscarriage years ago, May 23rd.

   We were scheduled to leave with our church to Guatemala just a few days later.  I knew our mission trip would be hard being pregnant but we felt so strongly that we needed to go.  Now we were facing losing the remainder of my pregnancy while abroad.  We were relieved also to just leave our home for awhile, and take time to gather ourselves.  We were in major conteplation over weather we were to move there and be house parents to a group of orphans, so much that we took Tanner along to see how he did in the environment.  Chad, Tanner, & I buried our baby under the mulberry tree in our side yard and loaded a plane on the same day.  It was the lonliest time of my life.  I had never been so confused about what I was to pursue and how to pursue it.  I needed the Lord to give me peace.  He was my only comfort and was always there in the middle of the night and through the raw deep cries of a broken heart.  He whispered truth to me and always gave me the hardware to fight the enemy of deception.  He rose me up time and time again.  Praise be to you Lord!  Thank you! 

 

 

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Back to the Rewind…

      That time of my life seems as it went by like a whirlwind, very quickly and leaving deep scars.  I remember only focused moments, most likely because everything that was in-between was sopped with tears.  We went to the Bluffton ER and met a very nice doctor directly after my positive test.  He was the kind that was careful about what to say and how to say it; because of some compassion he still carried.  He examined me and drew my blood determining that I was indeed pregnant and that I should go home and rest. I remember green sherbert and watching a movie with my husband that night all snuggled in my bed.  I was full of worry and not at ease in the slightest, but there was something facinating about having life inside of me at that moment that encouraged me.  I believe in life at conception and knew that God hand-picked a living soul for me to hide away in myself for safe keeping.  I learned over the years to live in, “the moment,” and not look ahead too far.  If I had slightly took my eyes off of that snugglie moment, I may have missed my little baby all together.  
  
   The next morning I woke with blood covering our bedding, we rushed again to the hospital unaware that there was nothing that you can do…I assumed the doctor would just fix it.  As we waited in the ER I felt normal, I thought if I laid very still everything would be fine.  My blood was drawn again to see if my levels were rising or deflating…during the wait I was told to empty my bladder.  As I stood up off the papered table I felt a rush of warmth.  This, “moment,” is a fast vivid memory to me, I looked down as if in slow motion.  I saw my husband ripping paper towels off the wall & cleaning the blood frantically in a attempt to preserve my dignity.  He so badly wanted to “fix it” for me, but neither one of us could control anything.  The cleaning was more like smearing and was creating an even bigger mess.  The doctor interrupted this scene by surprise and calmly walked me back to the table.  I lay looking at the ceiling saying aloud, “please Lord….please Lord…” My results were in conjuction with what my body was saying.  Our baby died. 
  
   Never as a little girl do you think that maybe you will grow up to have babies die in your belly or that you would have to do anything other then make love to your husband to grow your family.  After the grief, we became hopeful in becoming pregnant again.  I decided to start taking prenatals and folic acid so that my body would be ready.   I started getting very interested in how the body works in all detail, and remembering that we have an awesome Creator I began to take my requests to God more and more.  It was a struggle to keep God in priority over my desire for a baby.  That would soon become the crook in my side that never goes away, something I constantly have to work through.  God was so gracious to me as always, he gave me a dear child that is waiting for me in the heavens and gave me the desire to keep pressing through.  He has given me the confidence to tell my story in hopes that you will feel connected to your own tragedies, and be brought close to our only true comforter.
  
   Soon, we found out we were pregnant again.  Because we thought the first one was a fluke, considering its not uncommon for people to have early prenancy loss, we did nothing different…and anticipated good results.  Doc called with my 2nd blood draw, “Im sorry, your levels went down, you will pass the baby in the next few days.”  This, “moment,” didnt consist of good movies and sherbert, I just laid still in silence and waited.

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Day 1…Rewind to the past

   We started our “wanna baby” voyage back in 1998.  I was just dating my husband at the time but news was that we were gonna be married 🙂  After having delivering a healthy son previously to knowing my dear Chad, I was certain that when he & I were ready to “try” we would have no problems at success.  In Sept of 2000 we married and were a small family, with our son Tanner only 5 yrs old, I badly wanted to add another child.  I yearned for Tanner to have a sibling and so the journey began.
   I have tried nearly everything on the market for fertility health…vitamins, herbs, medicines, techniques, procedures, and prayer.  There isnt much that I havent researched or experimented with myself.  Our hopes of having a baby quickly soon turned into years and years of struggle, so I meet you as a mature women of all the “tricks in the book” and Im very aware that a wife’s desire to becoming “with child” can easily turn into a heartache game.
   This game is one that can be played with many supporters rooting you on or in a private setting, such as the bathroom toilet with hidden stashes of pregnancy tests behind the shampoo bottle in the cabinet.  Its a mental nightmare to those who have been trying and trying.  Every month is a death, the death of a dream & a imagined fantasy.  Month after month I would bargain to God that this was the “perfect” month.  Due to some birthday or family celebration, this would make the perfect story…and so thats where my prayers would become intense begging.  I would plead with God for a “story,” with perfect timing and the perfect time according to me…was always NOW!  I am so thankful that God has pity on our poor spirits in those times and gently comforts us when that private place is full of tests with only one pink line.
   Our first baby after Tanner was in May of 2001, one yr after marriage.  I had been bleeding for 2 weeks which wasent that shocking considering my cycles were never regular or even somewhat normal.  I spoke with a friend on the phone who convinced me to take a test since she was so certain that I must be pregnant.  She indeed was right and although I was so excited, I called my husband home from work to rush to the ER.  My gut was telling me that something was not right and that our first night being a new mommy and daddy may not last til morning….

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